HP and the Morse Moron
by Sherudon
Summary: During a reprive of harrys school years, and aided by dumbledore our hero HP does something...
1. Chapter 1

HARRY POTTER AND THE MOROSE MORON

BY SHERUDON

A/N. im new at this if you dont like go to hell... and i dont own this if i did... id do something.. like... play games.

We begin our story at the usual place of number 4 Privet Drive...

BOY!" yelled Aunt Petunia. "Get down here right now!"

"Coming...you old saggy titted bitch," mumbled Harry.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!" hollored Petunia.

"Err.. I said I'm coming... and scratching my little itch."

"Oh.. well, hurry up and get breakfast started then," said Petunia.

As our brave hero got out of his bed, he looked across and saw his beloved Hedwig eating out of a curious plastic bag...

"Hedwig no!", yelled Harry, "thats mine, get out of it!", he said while grabbing the bag.

Looking at Hedwig's face he could not but feel a little pity for taking it away from her. "Don't be upset Hedwig I'll give you some after breakfast," smiled Harry. Leaving the hyper hooting owl alone.

Walking down the stairs, Harry noticed tub arse Vernon and Ms Saggy waiting at the table. Guess dudley was in his room asleep... or masterbating to animal porn... always wondered why he took Aunt Marge's dog in his room as soon as he can...

Walking up to the fridge to get out the bacon and eggs, I began to start cooking them and reminising where I got the bag currently in my pocket...

"Ohh look the walls are PINK!" said a strange voice. I had been heading to the kitchens of Hogwarts for a midnight snack when I heard this voice in one of the old class rooms.

To my unending shock, there laid Dumbledore, beard covering his face and glasses bent in all directions; in his usual attire... you know... freaky stuff.

I though he had ben attacked and hit with a confusing charm, but looking around I spotted a little bag of "cigarettes" next to him. Strange that the professor would smoke tabacco... or so I thought, Suddenly he let out a giggle that a man should not be allowed to make.

"Oh Severus, this is the shit" said Dumbledore.

"Weeee!" replied Snape. I was more shocked than anything at Snape's appearance. After years of hating me, I never knew why... until now. I saw him wearing a pair of "my" old glasses taped together, a black marker pen of a lightning bolt on his forehead, running in circles saying, "I'm Harry Potter, the boy who lived" he said, laughing his head off.

I stood transfixed at the scene. I was a few seconds from a brain hemmorage followed by shitting myself with laughter, even I could not restrain myself when Snape mistepped and ran right into the wall at top speed. Realising my mistake, I shoved my hand in my mouth to muffle the sound.. unfortunately doing so removed the cloak for my head... leaving dumbledore to see my floating head.

"Ah Harry my boy, it seems you have caught myself and professor Snape at a rather.. bad time," said Dumbledore. I would however like you to not mention this to any of the other students or teachers.. for your co-operation you may have the rest of this bag."

That was the night that changed my life forever... Dumbledore and I soon became good friends. He is my teacher in advanced  
"herbal remedies" and gave me a rather small book called 1001 uses for medical marijuwana, by Severus Snape, though there was only 20 or so ways. The rest of the pages said work in progress.

"Boy don't burn our food!" said Vernon, snapping me out of my reprive.

"Yes Uncle Vermin," said Harry.

" You better not use your freakiness and make your room smoke up like that." Ah yes, the great first night home and Hedwig's introduction, "Ah Harry my boy... its time to go back, but do not dispair, here, I have a gift for you," said Dumbledore, handing me a plastic bag. Looking at him questioningly, he smiled, "dont worry my boy, its charmed to be automaticaly restocked when it has been used up," twinkled the headmaster.

Now, back to the present... "Boy, we're having Aunt Marge over today. I want no freaky business when she's here understand?" said Vernon.

"Yes Uncle Vermin," said Harry

"And I expect you to make us a cake befor she arives at 1:30 am I understood?" glowered Vernon.

"Yes Uncle Vermin... you cheap arse limp bastard."

"WHAT WAS THAT BOY?"

" I said, would you like cheese and custard as well?" said Harry.

And so the day when on. Harry could not keep his promise to his bird that afternoon... as he was making a nice chocolate cheese cake; however, this was a "magical cheesecake" to liven up the day.

1:00 o'clock and the cake was complete. I could not help but laugh as I dreamed about the carnage that would ensure to those foolish enough to try..."THE CAKE OF JUSTICE"... (ok realy lame name, but it fits the bill), sitting in the kitchen, I had realised the Dursley's had not come back yet. No time to wonder I though running up to my room.

Hedwig in the meantime must have got the munchies bad and had chewed right though her cage and chewed all of my quills, and one of my books had shit all over it. If Hedwig had been a human she would have been giving me a horrified expression from the windowsill, as she was just sitting there staring at me... blink...blink, god damn horror movie shit this was... blink.

Deciding to play it safe, I took out my home and contents A.K.A lighter and hash, and proceded to light up. That shoud have got a reaction from Hedwig but she just stayed still, blinking at me in a catatonic state...blink... so I improvised. I took a drag and exhaled into her face. Now that got the reation I was looking for. Up, up and away she went, forgetting she was inside. thud Flying into the roof. Even slightly stoned as I was, the poor birds agony amused me to no end... so I did the humanitarian thing, I blew more in her face... cross-eye bird for around a hour...

Around 2.10, the Dursleys came back home raving about bad traffic and stupid policemen. Being stoned off my arse and in a room of smoke, bearly cared less, untill Dudley came flying... or wadling up the stairs and bashed on my door.

"Mum and Dad want you freak" said Dudley.

"Coming Tubby, " I said, opening my door. I did a great rock band entrance walking out of a room of smoke with Hedwig looking noticeably like a dead bug; feet in the air, hooting and kicking about.

Leaving my "indesposed" bird I left to face... Aunt petunia forboding music plays "and turn off the subtitles!"

A/N im new sueing me would be a waste of time some critics are welcome, whining little tarts are not, criticts give me some feedback, flammers make your own first...


	2. Chapter 2

A/N i dont own if i did id have my own game line... and some takeout

and dont sue me for bad spelling or grammer "0-0"

Walking down the stairs i noticed dudley patting a now subded pitbul looking at me with puppy dog eys that screamed save me, ill be good!.

Dudley ofcorse had a great big grin on his face cooing softly to it... and he calls me a freak?

And to my never ending delight Marge was sitting in the living room whining ceaslesly about the trafic, complementing dudly, insulting me and complaning about the ineptnes of the vet for not finding anything wrong with it... if only she knew, who knows, my plan might just work.

"Boy, come here and set the table" said petunia

"Yes, Aunt Petunia" i ground out... think about the cake, about the cake.

Realising i had put some joints in my pocket, fingering the joints in my pocket i was determined to finish 1 of them in the toilet before dinner, grabing the plates, knifes and forks i began to set out the table, tuning out the annoying voice or marge insulting me... thank god for the effects of being stoned...

Dinner proceeded as per usual... chew chew munch munch.. though it was more munch munch for me, god i have the mega munchies, Marge asked why my eyes were rimmed red and i explained it was from lack of sleep. Glaring at me the whole meal, looking over the poor dog what huddled in a corner furtherest away from duds, looking all haunted.

Ah finaly... cake time, time for my revenge crash

"Boy what was that" said vernon

"I dont know, ill go have a look" i replied quickly

Runing up the stairs i found my faithful bird had flown right though the window and was flying around out side like a loon, weaving and crashing once and a while into parked cars and other buildings,"poor hedwig" i mused

"BOY what was that!" yelled vernon

"Ah it was my bird, she just broke her cage" praying he would buy it.

"Fine but your not getting any cake for that, and stay in your room" he replied nevously

"I'm really sorry about this uncle, please let me have some cake" i replied, i have to see this even if i have to suck up to the lump of floppy cock, IT must be done.

"Very well boy, but you are washing up after this", replied a nervios vernon

Ahh such a delightful summer... i'll need to thank mad-eye for threatening the dursleys.

With one more amused glance at hedwig i truged me way back down stairs to my well deserved reward...

By the looks of things dudly was already into his second slice and even Marge, had eaten more than 3 "small" peices... let me recap the cake would be 20 flour, 10 chesse and about 60 hash... dont remember what the other 10 was...

"hehe, o vernii... remember the time I walked in on you masterbaiting to a gay porn magazine"giggled Marge

"you were sooo embarased and started to proclaim you wernt gay" she conitued

"Marge!" he proclaimed all puffy and sweaty

"That, was over 20 years ago, I was curious it was natural to be confused back then" he stumbled out.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, I thought those were Petunia's!...

Flashback

7 years ago)

"Boy, you better come in here this instant" yelled a shrill Petunia

"Coming aunt" replied a 9 year old Harry

Ariving in aunt P's room a saw dudley crying on the ground with a bleeding nose, and aunt p's favorite carpet stained with blood...

"Boy, clean up this mess will i take dudleyums to the doctor" she demanded

"Yes aunt petunia" i replied

Going down to the kitchen I collected some gloves, stain remover and some rags I retearned to start work on the rug... squrit, squirt, rub, rub, rub, you get the drill

It was rather easy to remove the blood stains from the rug, but during my cean up i saw a flap of a book inder the bed matrise, pulling it out the title inblased with a black guy called "workmen and there 12 inch nails"... thinking it to be nothing but a hardware book i soon learned it was "hardware", "ahhshit, didntseeitdidntseeit", became a mantra for a while "work-work must find work... garden nonono must not slack off yes work is good, reading is bad" Harry raved thrusing the book back under the bed

Needless to say the garden looked better than new that day...

Present time

Shudder your one twisted fuck there vernon (1)

Between the bickering of marge and vernon i was struck stiff i could not laugh, cry or blink... i was too stoned after eating the last of the cake...

Dudley was up and running... or waddleing as best he could in the general direction of the dog.. suddenly my world went dark... because the lights went off, and back on, then off...

"Light goes on click, Light goes off click. said petunia with a smile that made here look like a 3 year old who just done something bad, bud did not regret it

BANG "aww... light go boom" giggled petunia

Oof the air rushed out of me as a hundrend pounds of dudley bushed against me... from the sounds of it he was chasing the dog

poor little creature, it was whining and whimpering realy loud too... and now my world did disapere, dudley you fat bastard was my last though in the waking world...

a/n i was thinking of leaving it there but... i fucked up by not updating faster soz

Slowly coming to it was morning... ohh my head, looking around i first spotted dudley... curlde up in a big ball, a naked ball... with marges dog in his arms!.

Snaping completely awake i bolted upstairsto grab a camera from my room... ofcourse not looking where i was going... "O shit"

crunch

Groaning i foun i had triped over aunt Marge... she had a lot of candy bar and dog biscut situated all around her... damn now thats mega muchie's in desperation...

Picking my arse of the floor i burst into my room only to find Petunia aseel in my chair, make-up all over her head aswell as ink and what looked to be crayon drawings... o and and a half shaved head, buzzer still in the on position, if this was the result i had to get pictures of every one... EVERY ONE

Grabing my camrea out of my trunks I snaped of at least six of petunia... three of Marge, Eight of dudley... but where was vernon?..

not in the toilet, garage or kitchen...

"His Room" i shouted

... Am i dead, yes im dead and in hell... im going to haught your fat arse dudley for that...pinch, ow... nope not dead, for there was vernon or should i say Mrs.Dursley?

If one bag of hash could do this much damage maybe this is the power that he knows not?

For there on his bed was our proud "normal" and dignifyed uncle lyaing down fast asleep...

IN PETUNIAS SUMMER DRESS, lipstick, mascara and power all over his face. unable to contain my laughter any more I burst out laughing my arse out, tears freely rolloing down my cheaks, bladder nearly... well you get the idea...

The noise must have woken vernon wide awake for he sprung up and shouted

"What are you doing in my ro- CRASH"

In doing so he also took half the bed with him including his "tools magazines"

Oh my god im going to piss myself... vernon in all his haste never realised he was in a dress and landed face first on the floor, efectively knocking him out once more... after my quick detour to the shitter...

I used up the last of the film and locked them away in my trunk.. content with the images and memeroies that will last me the rest of my life time... or untill my next blunt.. this made me remember hedwig!",

oh no i forgot about hedwig i though

lighting up a blunt i walked out side to find my dear compainion... the one to stay be me my whole life, who never left me, who--

SCREEEEACH dull thud

JUST GOT HIT BY A FUCKING REMOVAL VAN!

"HEEEDWIGGG!" i screamed in stoned dispair

"NOOOO" i cried, running up to the battered form of my dieing bird

"hoot" hooted hedwig no dah narrator

"here dont die hedwig, you cant die" blowing a large stream of pot in its face...

It gave me a look of contentment as it slipped away from me... or maybe it was already dead...

"I will bring you back my freind i promise" voued Harry

Picking up my bird and looking around... as the the fucking bastard in the van had driven off.. i began to return inside.

"DISCUSTING BOY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY DOG!" screamed what seemed like Marge

Running back inside craddleing my dead bird to my chest, i was greeted by a fuming marge and a quivering mound of fat clutching the poor little abused doggy... marges eyes gleaming and bulging like here had been pumped full of steroids.

I did not listen to Marge rant and rave at dudley... I had a mission to preform, gathering up the needed item from my room and dumping a comatose Peunia out my door...I began my work.

Latter that day...

The ambulance carring Aunt Petunia...

"Looks like the whole family has gone loppy" said ambo guy 1...

"Yeah, the husband and son too" agreed amvbo guy 2...

That day my job was done, now all i had to do was hope it worked... the plan came from a muggle movie called how high, i could only pray this worked aswell.

In the following months, i learned that Aunt petunia had gone to the local asylum still claiming to be Petownwa ewnas, and that she was a bad little wabbit...

Dudley had gone on to a local foster family and latter would go on to be a very sucessful veternarian, though would latter lose his licence and job for being found naked with a coustomers scottish-terrier by his resceptionist...

I only knew a little of what happened to Aunt Marge, apperantly she had sold her house and moved overseas to the US.

Uncle vernon had been released from St. Amos Mental, or just S&M Hospital after 4 months of therapy and was now working as a cross-dressing hooker in london's south and had a boyfreind he met while in prison for turning tricks, named Bob...

And lastly me... after my mission had been done I was taken to number 12 grimwald and was left to greave, even snape had given up trying to be mean to me, after having such a fucked up family, even he sofened his views on me after that... he later on helped me finish the final faze on my plan, which to my suprise worked!.

My mission.. was to cremate hedwig and mix her ashes in the soil of my very own "pot" plant, this caused her ghost to appere to me when ever i smoked a roll... as it happend her ghost was always with me... how you say?

Well lets just say DD and SS had more traning for my mind, every night and I then had a acceptable excuse for being a little out of touch... just like dumble and snape... Oh yeah and lessons with trawlney and her smoke hazed classes were alot more interesting as I could light up and no one would notice the difference...

So in the end I had never lost my faithful bird... though my dorm mates where significantly freaked out by me talking to headwig aswell as leaving a dead mouse on my trunk it nights.

Unfortunately dumbledores hand tunered black and he soon dyed of a massive overdose on weed... but snape got the blame for it and is now on the run.. into a wall..again.

This was Harry Potter and my story on the morose moron...

END.. for now... no realy

A/N Bordom hurrts as i said if you have read this far you must have been realy desperate... oh well, review spam flame i dont care will read them... if you have ideas for a fic mail me i do read them i was suprised i got some reviews ty to those... thinking of making some my parodies for... starcraft, guildwars, starwars and maybe some ff games... o yeah got 2 make a warhammer story and warcraft...ect school sucks and if u see me on guild wars give me a buzz there 2 im named sherudon s or st, str first names alway sherudon.. And 3 things, One i dont hate gays thats there cause i found some gap filler, 2 No dogs were raped to make this fic i hopeand 3 dont do drugs, dat bad thing i dont do them

Sherudon.


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